I know it’s been a while. Life got hectic as it usually does around the holidays. In December I graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Nursing degree. It’s a relief to be done with school. For now. I can only let my brain sit idle for a few minutes before I’m on to the next idea, maybe law school, most likely a doctorate degree.
In December I passed what would have been my due date. The 17th was a date I dreaded and it came and went like all days do. My husband and I spent it in St. Augustine, one of our favorite places, looking at the pretty little city lit up with lights. We were surrounded by families and children and it made me sad. I miss the idea of my son, Oliver. I sometimes imagine what it would be like having a one or two month old baby right now. How different would my life be? I try not to think about these things too much because there is no point in driving myself crazy.
We have had four failed IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) since my miscarriage. Every failed attempt brings another fresh set of tears and anger. I remember every time someone said ‘At least you know you can get pregnant’ and I stifle a scream because it didn’t work that way for me.
We are at a crossroads now and I don’t know what we are going to do next.